- And you're sure about this? - Yes.
You're 34, you've got four more attractive years in you -
- to attract someone you can breed with.
I'm not breeding with anyone.
- Are you a lesbian? - No.
Aha. Then I don't get it.
My ex waited five years before he told me -
- that he didn't want children.
Now, the plan is to have a baby.
I then expect to be ready to meet a man in about two years' time.
Will you prep her?
- Oh my god, you're on TV! - Yes.
I can't believe you're lying here! Don't move.
- You're really good. - Oh, thanks.
No, good at not moving. I don't like the show.
You make people cry just because they've spent too much money.
- And you've chosen a good donor? - Yes.
- He's 35 years old... - I'll get the sperm and the doctor.
Just relax. Would you care to listen to some calming dolphins?
- No thanks. - They are really relaxing.
Hello?
Peekaboo!
- Hi, mum. - Hi, honey.
- It's so good to see you. - Birgit?
- Did you price... - Yes, I did price the bird houses.
- Where's Karen and the kids? - In the back.
- Hi, dad. - Hi, sweetie. Lovely to see you.
Adam, die!
- Got you! - Upsadaisy. Get up, honey.
- Got you! - It was a stupid game.
- Yes, aunt Anne is so stupid. - It was a really stupid game.
- Go to granddad. - Go out and get some candy.
- They're as clumsy as their dad. - They'll outgrow it.
No, just look at Laus. He's still a real clown.
Will you bring me the wine?
Hey, it's only the first three months.
Thanks a lot.
So how's the breeding project coming along?
It's coming along fine.
I really don't get it. That you want children.
That anyone wants children.
You can't say that when you've got nearly four children yourself.
- It would be better with a father. - Why?
But I can't wait around until I'm 70.
Everything's gonna be all right.
You'll be the world's greatest mum. And dad.
Are we going to eat soon or what? I'm starving.
- Is Karen having a glass? - Dad! Mum!
It's only the first three months.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
It is the wine from that place, right?
- Or is it the other one? - No, it's the one we prefer.
I think I'll just sit down.
I'm not really giving a speech.
I just want to tell you that... I'm pregnant.
Come here, my little Anne. And it was your very first try.
- I'm getting all... - Here, my friend.
I'm really happy for you, but...
- I'm having contractions. - Really, Karen?
- Dad, are you able to drive? - Yes... yes.
Yes.
- Has she given birth? - No, not yet.
- Where is she? Hi, Anne. - Here, here, here.
This is it! Push!
- She looks exactly like her dad. - Yes.
- You look like daddy. - Yeah, I'll say...
- I just mean... - I know what you mean.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
- He's the spitting image of his dad. - She! She is.
- She looks like daddy. - Never mind.
- Daddy's little girl. - Will you shut up, Laus!
Can I ask you a question? Or are you delivering a baby?
I'm walking down the hall.
- It sounds weird, but I'm pregnant. - We see that a lot here.
I've been reading up on it, and women tend to get hormonal.
Add to that, that the father is an anonymous sperm donor.
I haven't met him. But I'm starting to wonder -
- how strong his genes are.
What if there's something wrong with him that wasn't in his file?
What if the baby only looks like him and not like me?
I'm normal. I'm sensible. What if he's...
So my question is:
Don't they say that environment means more than inheritance?
- Yes, they say so. - Okay!
But it's a myth. The genes decide everything.
If you follow this plan, you'll be out of debt in four years.
But you need to stick to the plan and not miss one single payment.
- Are you ready to reach you goal? - Yes! It's fantastic.
"Consumed". Watch it here on TV2.
If you don't control your life, your life controls you.
- Good morning, Anne. - Good morning, Sandra.
- Sorry I'm late. - Don't fret it.
Somebody overslept, perhaps? Naked?
Saucy bastard.
Pass it around, pass it around.
Around, please! Our share of female viewers keeps falling.
We're beaten by "Homes Under the Hammer".
What does that show have which we miss? Ken!
- Houses? - Ken!!
I don't know, then.
It has a male host.
Male host.
So we need that as well.
Anne, wait a minute. You're the host.
Anne's the host. You get a co-host.
A vice presenter.
The female viewers want to look at men.
Apparently! That's the word from above.
"We need men." "Okay, we comply."
And then we dance. To their tune.
Jan, you can come in now! You know him as a real estate agent.
We've hijacked Jan Storm to "Consumed".
- Hi. - Great to see you.
You look so good! You've lost weight and they've made a good job of that.
- They removed eight mm. - You can't even tell!
- Well, you know me, of course. - Hi. I'm Siv from make-up.
- Well, you know me, right? - No.
Hello, ladies! Sandra, the captain's on board.
- Let's turn this ship around. - Let's.
Okay, girls.
She's so bloody annoying!
- You're not going to quit, are you? - No, not now. I'm pregnant.
I don't like it when you get mad.
All that anger is not good for the baby.
I really believe it's gonna work out fine with Jan.
Such great hair. I actually think he's nice.
- You think all men are nice. - Well, they are.
- What about Rubio? - Rubio?
Rubio... Yeah.
- What's the time, Siv? - I don't know.
And why don't you know?
Because Rubio stole your watch, Siv.
- No. - Yes.
But only because he didn't believe in time.
In his clan, they look at the sun to tell the time.
- It's customary where he's from. - Where's Rubio from?
Hedehusene.
You've got to be more careful about who you let into your life!
Who you let into you.
- Into your inner parts. - Yes.
Into, into, into...
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
It's just...
What if the baby isn't anything like me?
What if it looks like some complete stranger?
Just remember that...
...a stranger is a man you've yet to meet.
Right?
- Hi. - Hi there!
We're closed. We close early on Thursdays.
I'm just chilling, playing solitaire. Can I help you with anything?
- Yes. - Yes?
I've made a mistake.
I've regretted that I chose an anonymous donor.
I wanted to hear if there's some way I can get a look at him?
Just to check that everything's okay and he's not odd or anything.
I see everyone who comes here.
If he was odd, I would have noticed.
I don't even need his name. If I can just get his address.
It's not allowed.
I mean, I'm... I'm willing to pay for the information.
- God, no! There's no need for that. - Okay.
The child can contact the donor when it's 18. For free.
- 18! In 18 years and 8 months... - They'll fly by. Liquorice fish?
No thanks.
- Plan B. - Oh, well.
- Hi. - Hi.
Could I by any chance use your toilet?
You need to pee all the time when you're pregnant.
- Yes. It's over there. - Thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh...
Can I get you to come with me?
It's so hard for me to bend down when I need to pee.
When I need to take off my tights and panties, you know.
- You only need to pee, right? - You never know.
I think it's only pee.
But you never know.
Password? Shit.
Baby?
Fuck. Okay, okay.
Semen? Sperm?
Sperm? No.
Pregnant? No. Mum?
Dolphin!
Yes! Okay...
There he is! Address! There.
Thank you so much.
What does he look like? Is he cute?
I don't know. I only got his address.
Isn't it crazy? Your happiness relies on who it is.
And if he's home.
- Oh... Is it today? - Yes.
Do you want to come in?
I'm sorry I didn't hear the door.
I was just transferring money to my sponsor child. Great kid.
Let me have a look.
Yes, I thought so...
Here you are. I'm afraid it's all I've got. I hope it's okay?
- It's perfect. - You've got to lend a helping hand.
- Tell me if you need collectors. - For what?
- For the... - Oh, of course.
I'll give you my name. You can add me to the register.
- I'm Rune Winding Koppel. - I'm Anne Rasmussen.
- Hi, Anne. - Hi.
And the address is Broagergade 3E.
E?
- You mean F. - I mean E.
- Are you totally sure? - Positive. F is in the corner.
Oh.
Well, then I'll just... get on with the collection.
Yes.
People often get confused. The signs could be better.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
What?! Stop it right now! I'm just sitting here... It's four o'clock!
Can't a man jerk off in peace?
- Huh? - I'm just beating the bishop.
Hey, you're on that TV show. Did I win anything?
- Anne's collecting for charity. - For charity, okay.
Well, I wouldn't mind being charitable to your tits.
I'll be right there, Dolly. I'm just...
...scoring a bird.
It's good, right?
- The kids are playing with the rake. - It's okay. Laus is with them.
Or maybe...
I couldn't go through with the anonymity. I hacked into...
- I found out who the donor was. - Anne, really!
- What? - Well, it's a crime.
I believe he's the world's biggest asshole.
Well, he's been jerking off into a cup for free, so...
- No, they get 500 kroner. - But still.
- Did you talk to him? - No.
- Then how do you know? - Because I saw him.
He's totally...
- What did you do? - I ran.
You didn't just run off? You know better than that.
You can't count on first impressions.
Do you remember when I first met Laus?
I thought he was both intelligent and a great lay.
You really can't count on that.
Anne?
Imagine a man even sexier than you could ever imagine.
I've just met that man.
- Okay. - His name's Besnik. He's a Romani.
We got talking when he was stealing my bike.
- What? - It was meant to be.
We're going out for dinner tonight. On Amager.
Gosh, how do I get there?
- Are there busses? - There he is!
He looks nice.
Poor thing.
Come on. We're off now. Right?
Did you see that? He took money off a homeless guy!
Goal!
- Did you see that? - It was just a seagull.
No, no! It's just that the seagulls eat the ducks' food.
- He's not normal! - But that's just on the outside.
Like those wooden Russian dolls with dolls inside.
- Babooshkas? - Yes.
If you gave him half a chance, -
- there might be a smaller idiot inside.
And then an even smaller one. In the end, there's a tiny idiot -
- who's actually really cute.
Are you following me all day? Are you a stalker?
- Hi. Gordon Dennis. - Siv. And this is Anne.
I know I'm a dreamboat, but you don't stand a chance.
Joke, man. You totally stand a chance. I'll jump anyone...
Then maybe the two of you should go out for dinner?
Give each other a chance. Anne wants to get to know you.
- I don't want to get to know him. - Babooshka babooshka
It's not a good idea, Siv. We have that thing... We need to go now.
Babooshka babooshka
Okay, okay, okay!
You want to go for dinner?
- You want to go for dinner? - Your treat?
Yes.
Definitely! See you. I know where you live!
I mean, you know where I live. You were there. At my place.
- Pussy! - No, no, no.
Hi.
God, hi.
- You look... - What?
- Are you going out? - No.
- Yes. - Okay.
- Which one? - I'm going out for dinner.
- Italian. - Delicious.
Saltimbocca. Have you had that? A classic Roman calves liver dish.
Classic Roman calves liver dish. Six sick hicks nick Brad Pitt.
- Huh? - No.
Hey! Great, you're here. I'm bloody starving.
Rune... You might want to stay out of the toilet for a while.
Something's wrong with the pipes. Apparently you can't wash out dirt.
Oh, well... Shall we?
Coming through here
Buying and selling. My speciality has always been Puch 3 speed.
I've never been into the other Puchs.
Also, I sometimes work for this guy called Damian.
So besides being a member of The Puch Club, you've got no interests?
Oh yes.
I'm designing a new app for smartphones with one of my pals.
This is a prototype with Natasja Crone.
You can do it with anyone. We've uploaded everything she's said.
Then you write here what you want her to say.
I want you to fuck me, Gordon Tennis.
- Gordon Tennis? - She hasn't said Dennis yet.
It'll take a while. We won't release it until she's said every word.
- It'll be huge. - When did she say "fuck"?
She said "fog" once in the weather report.
And until Natasja Crone has said every word...
- No plans? - I don't believe in planning.
How can you not believe in it? It exists.
- That's why we have calendars. - I don't.
- You can't know what will happen. - Yes, I can.
- You always know what'll happen? - Yes.
You didn't see that coming. And it's not just onions.
It could also be a turning truck.
- Okay, what about that dessert? - They've got a really good tiramisu.
- Excuse me? - Hey!
Hi.
- Oh, hi. You're from TV. - You're pushing the young lady.
- I'm sorry. - Just stop doing it.
- Or you'll beat me up? - Of course not.
There's four of you. I'm just me.
Have a nice evening. Sorry for the interruption.
Do you think he'll get to fuck the bird from TV?
Stop it right now. Or I'll throw this plate in your face.
Maybe your friends will jump me. But you'll be looking for your teeth -
- so you can bring them to the dentist. They'll never look the same.
- We can just move the chair. - That sounds like a good solution.
Okay, shall we try that... ice cream tart or whatever it was?
You could also just go home.
I've had my dinner, and you don't seem to be enjoying yourself.
- Is this a bet? - No, it's not.
Then why are we here?
I got some food. What did you get out of it?
Is it an experiment? A story you can tell your friends?
No no, you're... You're a welcome change.
A welcome change? Don't call me that.
- Are you left-handed? - Yes.
- Is that wrong, too? - No, no.
I've heard that left-handed people are very creative.
I see.
It's just...
You know, when you've been looking really forward to something -
- and then when you finally get it, it's not what you expected...
Like when you got a present as a child you really wished for.
Maybe you didn't even dare to open it.
You're actually really scared of what's inside.
- Or... - So what was in the present?
Nothing. It was just a metaphor.
Yes, but was it a teddy bear or a dollhouse? A dog or?
- You can't giftwrap a dog. - Just make a box with holes in it.
- It's easy peasy. - I didn't mean...
- Never mind. - What was in the present?
- That wasn't the point. - Fuck, that's a lousy story!
Let's order some dessert.
- Was it a tent? - Forget it.
- A saw? - No.
- A blouse? - May we order some dessert?
- Here you are. Thank you. - Thank you.
I've never tried ordering all the desserts.
I've never seen anyone stuff their face like that.
- Except my ex-wife. - Your what?
My ex-wife could eat a whole pizza folded over.
A regular pizza, she just...
- You've been married? - Yes. For seven years.
- Why aren't you together anymore? - She wanted something different.
We were very different.
No, okay.
She died.
- What? - Yes.
But that's awful.
I'm kidding. She left me.
Look at the time!
- Wanna see something crazy? - Now?
- No, wait a minute. My handbag! - Thanks for a nice evening!
- What is it I have to see? - There it is. Look.
Do you see that door? It's a sex club.
Me and Jesper come here each Wednesday to see who enters.
- Why Wednesday? - Wednesday is Pee Night.
Look there.
Isn't it that woman from The Liberal Democrats?
Here.
It was... I wouldn't say nice, but it was an experience.
Is it just me, or have your tits grown larger?
You don't need to answer. Come home with me, then I'll find out myself.
We're not having sex. There's something I haven't told you.
- You're a man. - No.
It's Erik. You've got to be kidding! We were in school together!
- Stop it. - No! No! No!
I'm pregnant.
Okay.
- I understand. - What?
Why you're acting posh. It's not that you don't want to fuck me, -
- but because you feel fat. Don't worry about it.
Your body odour's probably stronger. It's perfectly normal.
What happens is that the pH value in the vagina drops so that...
Are you leaving?
Can I call you?
Something's bothering you.
You've got a problem you're not telling me about.
And I've figured out what it is.
It's me. And your relationship to men and women.
And women. You're not ready to talk about it yet.
I wasn't either back then.
So the big TV Award show's coming up.
I'm usually escorted by a young lady. She can't make it.
You'll get the honour. I'm telling you now, so you can lose weight.
- You're getting a bit pudgy. - Anne!
Does Anne Rasmussen work here?
- What are you doing at my work? - I just wanted to apologize.
- I'm sorry. - Apology accepted. Now go.
I know I acted like an asshole last night.
Fine. Just go.
We don't need to have sex. I can beat off to your tits.
When we've gotten to know each other.
That's the most beautiful thing anybody's ever told me.
- Get out! - Yes. Bye.
I want to give you a present. It's lighters -
- I've st... found down the shop. For the baby, you know?
- Anne, are you pregnant? - No!
That's just what you call me, right, baby?
Yes. Right, I call her "baby". Baby.
And "bitch" when we're fucking.
- And "teddy" when we're cuddling. - So you've got a date already.
- Then I'll just call Emma. - Hi, baby!
I'll see you in the flat where we live together.
Hello?
Take it easy. Yes. I'll come right away.
Do you want a ride? Something's the matter?
Yes. My sister's husband had his artery ripped open with a rake.
They're going to the emergency room. The children are alone.
This way.
Hello! There you are. What an ordeal with your dad, huh?
He bled on the floor.
- I think dad's leg will fall off. - The doctor can sew it on again.
- It'll be all right. - Look at this scar.
That's from when I crashed through a window.
I accidentally piss... peed through the letter slot -
- at a biker chick's place. You know what a biker is?
- Yes. - You do.
Take a look at this. Do you see this?
- Do you know Kirsten from Istedgade? - I know Winnie the Pooh.
Anyway, she's got this...
...place...
...where you buy hookers.
And then she's got a knife this long.
Lf, for instance, you forgot your wallet or something like that.
42 stitches. And this...
Do you see this wound? Some bitch...
No more stories about crazy women.
It was a bitch. A dog. Why the hell would a woman bite my calf?
You're sick in the head.
Thanks a lot for the ride. I'll take it from here. You can go now.
- No, he stays. - I want him to stay!
Okay. I also once went for a swim -
- and got attacked by a shark -
- that had a giant...
"The hare ran like the wind across the field. Mr Hedgehog..."
- Just a bit. - Okay.
More than enough.
- "...Mrs Hedgehog said." - I'll bloody well...
And the teeth.
Oh yeah! That's a brilliant throw. You can only get that if you're...
...Darth Vader or a ninja.
Now it's your turn.
- Who wants it? - Six! You won!
- Yeah! - Great!
- Hi. - Hi, guys.
Why do you hit me again?
- How are you doing? - This is how good I'm doing!
- Hi, mum! - Hi, kids. Hello.
Hi. Calm down.
- Who's that? - It's Gordon Dennis. What?
- You get a hug from me. Hi. - Hi.
Yes, we... We...
- We're playing Aces. - Great.
- Have you been playing outside? - Okay, I'd better get going...
- Bye, boys. - Bye bye, Kaj.
Bye bye.
- No, I can do it. - Say bye to the man.
Hey! Hey!!
Thanks for your help. It was really nice of you.
So I'll just see you around? You could come to that party.
- Watch out! - What are you saying?
You can come with me to the party, this TV Award show if you want to.
Yeah, fine.
Bye bye.
Pussy! Pussy!
This is something to look forward to.
He needs the last finish, but, man, you're in for a treat.
- Are you excited? - Siv.
- Come on. - Yes.
Without further ado... Gordon Bond!
Or... just kidding. Gordon?
- Wow. - Thanks. The colour is so beautiful.
Okay, I knew I was hot, but this is insane.
Gordon? Are you coming?
- Thanks. - Bye. Thank you.
Bye. Have a nice evening!
Well...
We'll enjoy a good dinner and a spectacular show, -
- watch pretty dresses and praise Denmark's best TVshows.
TV Award, my ass!
- It's not Hannah Montana. - Who knows where we're going?
I hate karaoke. Anything with people trying to sing.
- It's pathetic. We're out of here. - Relax, Sandra. Give it a chance.
We need the yellow stuff, Georg. We need 100.
Fuck off! This is our table. I talked with everyone.
Everyone told me that of course Anne should've won.
- Gordon, this one's for you. - Hey, hey, hey!
This is it! Okay? Are you ready?
Come on! One, two, one, two, three, four.
I can't sing!
That'll get him nowhere.
You were great!
You can't open your door with a canapé. Give me your keys.
Did you carry that in your pocket?
Daddy's home!
- Who are you talking to? - Dolly.
- Do you want coffee? - Yes, please.
- What's that? Do you want coffee? - Yes, please!
- Milk and sugar? - Yes, please.
- Would you like a cup of coffee? - Yes, please.
So this is Dolly.
- Do you often talk to Dolly? - Yes, quite a lot.
She's... actually a really good listener.
She's a really good buddy. You may hold her if you like.
But don't put her on her back. Then she dies. They can't turn around.
I thought she could only lie on her back...
Do you feel like a cup of...
You almost sat on Dolly. There, there. Daddy's here now.
- So that's Dolly. - Yes.
- It's a turtle. - She likes to cuddle in my jumpers.
- So it's named after Dolly Parton? - What?
No. She's named after some old movie.
My granddad was crazy about Barbra Streisand.
I got her for my birthday when I turned seven.
- When you turned seven? - Yes, they can get bloody old.
- You're very beautiful. - What?
- You can't stay here. - Okay.
But thanks for a great night and for taking me home. And for the party!
Did you know you could go up to the bar and order anything you'd like?
- For free. - Yes. The bar was for free.
Insane.
So... what's the time?
Now I'd like to go to my room and masturbate if that's okay?
- Thank you for a lovely evening. - Nice to meet you.
- A water bed? Seriously! - Do you want coffee?
I scored Anne Rasmussen from TV!!
- Hi. - Hi.
- Are you leaving? Now? - Yes.
I have to go to work and tackle Sandra.
Oh, yeah...
You do remember your drinking contest, right?
So you're Anne's... boyfriend?
And you're Anne's lesbian boss who's secretly in love with her?
Yes.
See if you can win her in a drinking contest.
Do you give up?
She's my girl. She came with me.
She's leaving with me.
Sandra's the winner.
Oh...
Sure, I remember that. Wouldn't you like some...
- I can make you a glass of water. - I'm fine.
- But let's talk on the phone. - Yes.
I just need to get your leg...
I just need your... It's the wrong direction!
Could you help me a little?
Like that. There you go, honey.
Hi.
- What are you doing here? - I...
Yes, I heard some...
- What? Could you hear anything? - No, no.
So you and Gordon Dennis, you're?
Yes, we... or...
Well...
I also need to... Berlin Marathon. I'm training.
See you.
I know it's your child.
But here are a couple of suggestions. If it's a boy...
Bon Jovi.
Or just Jovi.
Or Bon! And if it's a girl...
Princess Amidala. From "Star Wars".
- Right. - Hurry up, or they'll be snatched.
They'll become trendy in no time.
On average, you've spent 3,600 kroner.
Money you haven't got, but spend anyway.
Typical!
Why is it called "First Blood"?
It's because they hit him first. He says...
Isn't it all about picking the right fights?
He could've just stopped at the county border.
Just moved on. Then it wouldn't have happened.
- The county border? - Yes.
That's good.
How can you live with this messy economy?
Who's this Bjarne who owes you 1,500 kroner?
Bjarne owes me money? No, it's me who owe him money.
This is a minus. This spot.
Then what about the riding school? 4,700 kroner.
I'd rather not talk about it.
- Is it prostitutes? - No.
- Then what is it? - It's a riding school.
I wanted to learn to ride at that time. I'd rather not talk about it.
There, there. Easy now, little buddy.
Did you just wake up?
- Do you want to have children? - Hell, yes!
Hell, yes. They do all kinds of crazy stuff all the time.
They shit their pants while they eat. It's...
But not now, of course.
And, of course, I have Dolly. I promise you she's a lot of work.
What does the father of the baby say?
- Say about what? - About becoming a father.
- He doesn't know. Yet. - Don't you need to tell him?
Mm. That's what I was thinking.
Do you think he wants to know?
I would like to know if I was to be a father.
But then again, then I'd be a father and I'm really not sure -
- if I'd like to know if I hadn't planned on being a father.
I'll go home and sleep tonight. I've got so much work to do.
And then I have that scanning next Tuesday.
- See you. - I was thinking that if...
If you aren't planning on going there alone...
- Then maybe I could ask you... - What?
- Should I come to that scanning? - Do you want to?
Yes. You can see the baby and stuff, right?
Cool.
Look, Dolly. This is a calendar. Then we can follow the baby.
Anne will love this.
And there are stickers. We bought stars, suns, hearts and flags.
Look. Then we can place this flag when the baby is born.
Or we can use the student's caps. Why the hell did I buy those?
That's stupid of me, huh?
Dolly? Dolly? Dolly! Dolly!
Hi, Gordon. Pick up the phone.
The scanning's in an hour. So now I'll jump in a cab -
- and come and get you. I really hope you're home.
Gordon, open the door! We have that scanning!
Ouch. Damn!
- Ouch. Gordon! - Anne. Hi.
- Hi. - Are you okay?
Well... No, it's not exactly a good day.
Gordon was supposed to come for my scanning, but he's not home.
And now it's too late for calling my mum or...
- Shall I come? - You have to go to work.
My work can wait. Shall I come?
- I can't ask you to do that. - You shouldn't do that on your own.
I'm coming.
Here's the placenta. And the amniotic fluid.
- And here you see the heart beating. - Yes.
- Would you like to know the sex? - Do we? Do I?
Yes. I'd like to know.
My best bet is that it's a girl.
A little fine girl. A little girl, yes.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
Anne?
Anne? Are you in there?
You're not answering. Is it because you're not home? Is it?
Anne! Are you trapped under something heavy?
I'm coming! I'm coming!
Anne?
You gave me a real scare.
I'm sorry I missed the scanning. She nearly choked.
- She ate stickers and some calendar. - Who?
Dolly. I ran through town with her. She's at the vet now. She's okay.
This is for you.
"Take me back. Yours forever. Mogens"?
The cards got switched!
This is bloody well not okay. I'm going to call them.
Okay, I found it next door.
Why the hell do they put sticks in them?
I understand why you're mad. It was a matter of life and death.
- But she's doing fine. - How do you know it's a girl?
- Dolly? - Will you shut up about that turtle!
I just thought we had an agreement. I really wanted you there!
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was so important it was me.
- That's the baby? - Yes.
I can't even see what's up and down.
Which way is up? It almost looks like a chicken.
Or an alien.
No.
Right back at you, pal. Fuck you!
- Do you have five minutes? - For you I've got 6,000 seconds.
It's ten minutes converted into seconds.
Well... No.
I'm pregnant. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
It won't affect my work. Not until the maternity leave.
- Pregnant? - Yes.
- With a man? - Not like that.
- I've chosen to use a donor. - Okay.
Okay, okay!
I just have to...
Now I'm gonna say something to you that I've never said before.
- I want to be the dad. - Sandra!
Oh!
- Wow! - No, please don't...
I've got a wonderful little community garden on Amager.
Nobody knows about it. Hush-hush. We could live there during summer.
Running in the grass. We'll tear down the shed. The other house will be -
- a small creative workplace. With a turning lathe.
We'll make vases together.
We could go for a walk on the beach and find stones looking like humans.
Humans looking like stone.
- Sharon Stone. - Sandra?
- Yes, my dear. - It sounds really great.
- But I'm not a lesbian. - Please stop that nonsense.
Such a load of... You're talking nonsense, Anne.
I can't get inside you... through to you with words.
Then I have to say it some other way.
Ouch!!
Bloody!!
Ouch!!
- It's Anne. - I heard you got fired.
- What do you want? - It'sjust that I...
Do you remember that guy Kean I told you about?
- The one who slept under the bridge? - No, Siv!
I don't feel so good about his uncle living in my flat, too.
So I thought: "What would Anne do?"
I would leave him. He's probably a sweet guy and fun to be around.
- And a really good lay. - Yes.
But when you really need him, he doesn't turn up -
- because he's immature and infantile and lack direction in his life.
- You know Kean? - I'm home!
Siv, I gotta go now. Talk to you later. Bye bye.
They were out of rocket salad, so I ordered extra gorgonzola -
- because you wanted something green. I hope...
Why the hell did you shoot Dolly Parton?
It wasn't on purpose. You've got weapons lying around!
How do you think that'll ever work with a child?
- What do you? - A child! How is it gonna work?
Cactuses and weapons just lying about until you get stuck and drop dead!
I've always had a plan. I've always known what I wanted to do.
And now I'm having a baby. Then everything needs to be right.
Just spit it out.
We're a horrible match.
You're all... And I'm much more...
So I think it'd be better if I'm by myself.
- Fine. - Fine?
If you say so.
Well. Okay.
Anne?
Yes?
Will you give me a note for the pizza? I owe them.
Thanks.
Now the ends are of equal length!
- Bottoms up to that. - Where's Dennis?
Yes, where is Gordon Dennis?
He doesn't exist in real life. Just like Santa Claus. Or...
A glass of wine toddy with raisins?
- It's my wiener. - Go to granddaddy.
Hang those on the tree, honey.
- Merry Christmas! Beg for mercy. - Laus! Put the chair down!
- We have to watch the little one. - Yummy.
So! Boys! Look, I've got one of these.
Darling! You'll be such a great single mum.
Think of all the children in the world who grew up without a father.
- Jesus didn't have a father. - He did.
- God was his father. - And he did just fine.
- Jesus didn't do fine! - Don't be so grumpy.
- He died on the cross! - Come join us.
- Anne! - Hi.
Hi!
- Long time no see. - Yes.
I haven't been at Gordon's for a while. So...
- Did you get some good presents? - My family don't care for presents.
We bring a small gift each and then we throw a dice for them.
It's all about being together as a family.
- Are you going to see a movie? - No, I'm just out for a walk.
I got tired of sitting at home. I'm on maternity leave.
Then you have to see this with me.
- I'm... - Come on.
Come on!
He's not recognized here, but he's popular in Sweden.
- Do you know if you want children? - It's the biggest decision ever.
I haven't found the one I want to have children with.
- Not yet. Unfortunately. - Me, neither.
- What about Gordon? - Eh...
No, it's... Do you know each other well?
No. We haven't seen each other much.
- Not until we switched flats. - Switched flats?
- Did you switch flats? - Yes. It's a while ago.
I wanted an office, later on children's room.
- Gordon wanted less daylight. - Can't a man jerk off in peace?
It doesn't taste okay?
Yes, it tastes great. It tastes absolutely perfect.
You've got a piece of the Berlin Wall!
How do you know Nikolaj Koppel?
Niko's my cousin. That was taken on New Year's Eve. It was crazy!
He's a blast.
- Would you like something to drink? - Yes, please.
- The walls are thin. - Yes.
Thanks.
The sauce needs a little extra and then it'll be perfect.
- Rune? - Yes.
Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
- I can also stimulate your g-spot. - That sounds lovely.
- Hi, baby! - Hi!
Look what I found.
- What do you think? - Yuk.
It's a gender neutral doll. Then the child won't grow up -
- with the social pressure of having to be in a certain way.
Don't you see? Hi.
When are we to discuss moving in together?
If I have to be a good father figure for the child, I have to be there.
Yes. I have to be there.
There's something we need to discuss. About the baby.
Yes. Right.
Sure, it's strange fathering another man's child.
Especially with genes you think are worth spreading.
That's what you wanted to talk about?
Please don't.
I'm also frustrated that we can't make love.
But if I hit the cervix and set off the birth...
You? No. Yes.
Yes, of course.
- We can't have that. - No.
Really good.
Now I want you to try another really good position.
If the woman lies on the side, and the man, the birth helper, -
- sits behind the woman, lifts up her leg -
- and press through her foot.
- That's it. - This feels so wrong.
- No, I think we got it right. - Angle the hip. Angle the...
- Anne? - Now, gently stroke the woman.
It releases endorphins. Just receive. Enjoy it.
- Try to loosen up. - I don't wanna do this anymore.
And Anne, now you just let go.
Listen to what your body is telling you.
I don't love you!
I'm sorry, Rune. You've done everything right. You really have.
It's just... It just feels wrong.
Don't touch me.
Rune... I wasn't even meant to be with a man.
Press through.
Did you tell Rune that you're pregnant?
- He kind of figured it out, Siv. - I mean, with his baby.
It's not Rune's baby. It's mine! Rune was the donor. So, no!
Now we're back on track. It was my intention that I should be on my own.
- I wasn't in love with Rune. - No.
But what about the guy you were in love with? The cutie pie?
- The one with the hair. The seagull. - Gordon?
Yes, Gordon. Did you tell Gordon about the sperm?
- That it was Rune's sperm? - We need to change the subject.
Not talk about sperm? Is it too disgusting?
TV HOST AT PEE SEX NIGHT
Now, that's disgusting.
Is this a hit with our target audience?
- Does it fit the show's profile? - I hear what you're saying.
If you're insinuating that we desperately need a new host, -
- you're right. Want your old job back?
- Full pay during maternity leave. - Fine.
Go now!
Go and give birth, beautiful creature.
I'm so through with you. You looked much nicer before!
Changing pad... baby changing bag.
- A baby towel and cotton diapers. - This is all so cute!
I need a baby bed. Can I get any help around here?!
- Who sleeps in such tiny beds? - Children.
So cute. And this one! Just look at this.
I've made up my mind. I'm through with men now.
- Completely. Just like you. - Wow!
Can we get some help from Mr Baby-Sam himself?
- How may I help you? - Hi, my name's Siv.
- Hi, Siv. - Siv...
Listen up. We need a baby bed.
- Easy to assemble. - The dad's not much of a handyman?
- She dumped him. - The dad?
You keep going on! There is no dad! Where's your dad?
- He's... He just died. - No!
Yes. Suddenly.
- I'm so sorry. - Sorry.
I'm so, so sorry. I haven't been heavily pregnant before.
It's okay. We're used to it in here.
- Anne, did you pee in your pants? - No! My water just broke!
It's two weeks early! I haven't bought anything on the list.
- I'll take care of it, Anne. - I miss everything from the list!
- I'll get a cab. - I'll come back.
- You have to help me walk. - I can't, goddammit!
Birgit and Bent!
A human being came out of Anne!
She's so fine. Are all babies this beautiful?
- They can't be, right? - No. It was just by the book.
- The Apgar score was 10. It's fine. - It's perfect.
Hi.
- So cute! - My little Anne.
Congratulations, honey.
- She's so beautiful. - Beautiful!
- She's your spitting image. - Your spitting image!
Then you enter.
- Eh... Siv called. - Please enter.
Hello.
This is Anne's parents, Birgit and Bent.
And this is Gordon who is... Gordon.
- Congratulations. - Thanks.
I brought some flowers. And there's a card.
Nice bunch of flowers. What does Mogens write?
Well... okay... That was just so unacceptable.
I've started using another florist.
So it will never happen again. It was just so...
Hi.
- She takes after her mother. - Yes. She does.
- How are you? - I'm fine. Just fine.
- Tell her about the... - What?
- Tell her about your job. - Oh, yes, I've got...
Sandra offered him a job as a host. She just loved him after that party.
- "Shut the fuck up". - Excuse me?
It's the name of the show. We're doing candid camera.
- Wow! Congratulations. - Thank you.
Well, I'd better get...
Take good care of your mum for me.
- Are you leaving without? - Yes.
- Bye bye. - Bye.
- Shall I put these in water? - Yes. Thank you, Siv.
- Who was? - It's none of our business, Birgit.
But who was it?
We're so happy for you.
Now that you've had the baby, there's something we'd like to tell you.
- Is anybody ill? - No, it's nothing like that.
It's just that your dad and I are getting a divorce.
Why?
It all started when I took up badminton.
- Badminton doesn't lead to divorce. - Anyway, I took up badminton.
And your dad started going to a chess club.
- Did you meet somebody else? - No!
It suddenly dawned on us that this was the first time in 40 years -
- we did something separately. And it was simply fantastic!
Then sign up for more hobbies!
- Dad! - Yes, honey...
- You've told her... - That we're getting a divorce.
- But you're the perfect match! - That's the problem.
- We've grown too alike. - Too alike, yes.
- Mum and I are still good friends. - We're good friends.
- Remember you need some... - Differences.
Otherwise you wither.
- It's called the birds... - And the bees.
- Not the bees... - And the bees. Right, honey?
- I have to go. - Now?
- I need to talk to someone. - Can't it wait?
- No. He could get hit by an onion. - An onion?
No, a bus!
Yes...
GORDON CALL ME!
- Hi. - Hi.
- Are you okay? - Yes. Or...
I've had one of these.
It's really cute.
- Are you coming, baby? - Hi.
Let's go out and find Gordon.
Fucking no way! I don't want to help you with your rollator.
You got it down there, you bloody well get it up again.
If you can't control your rollator, you shouldn't race it down here.
- I'm asking you for help! - No. I know your type.
Now you've got no strength. But when you're queuing at the baker's...
"Can I get in front here? I need some place."
Pick up your crap yourself!
- Thanks! Perfect! - Fantastic. That was just fantastic.
Anne?
Hey! Anne!
Good save, huh?
I'm still freezing. Great they got me this blanket.
- You're too naked. - Well, I was reeking of seagull.
Yuk.
- I've missed you. - What?
I've missed you.
I thought you were much more... And I was all...
You are. That's why I love you.
I love you.
- Then show me your tits. - What?
- Show me your tits. - No!
Why not? It's too easy just saying "I love you".
People do it all the time. I can say it to them.
Excuse me! I love you.
- I mean it. - Then show me your rack.
- I'm wearing a maternity bra. - And?
I didn't get a proper look.
Mum!
- Hi! - Hi, Siv.
This is my boyfriend. Baby-Sam, this is Anne.
- Hi. - Hi.
My name's Thomas, but...
- So how are you doing? - I'm splendid.
- How about you? - Well, I'm not complaining.
You scored Baby-Sam.
He's so good-looking. He's so good-looking!
Yes. That'll be difficult. I'm moving for my child's mother.
- This is Rune, the sperm father. - You know me.
- I grow with the challenge. - The other one's Gordon.
He's not the biological father, but he's the father.
- Sperminator! Good to see you. - Hi.
Where shall I put it?
- Over there. - I'll give you a hand.
Rune, my parents are coming by and would like to meet you.
You delivered the seeds and they find that exciting. They sell plants.
- It's heavy. - Yes. Of course.
Do we put it there?
Yes.
It's just perfect.
Thomas, try it out.
You're sitting there, right? Then what happens?
Fantastic.
Hi, Padme. Hi, Padme. Are you ready, Eddie?
Yes, yes. Want to see something cool?
Just look at this. What do you think?
No way! Wow!
There, there.
It wasn't that bad.
You want to say hi to Dolly? No, a burp.
THE END Subtitles by: Malene Hollnagel Scandinavian Text Service 2013